Scum and Villainy: Andy's Evil Favorites
Recently, Bravo ran a three-part special showcasing what they claimed were the greatest Super Heroes, Super Vixens, and Super Villains of comics, movies, TV, and video games. I'll not go into too much detail about what was wrong with these specials; as nice as it is to see something like mainstream media recognizing great comic characters, these were purely hour-long advertisements for the various movies featured. I mean, come on, Bullseye as one of the top 20 villains of all time? Bet he wouldn't have made that list without a Daredevil movie. (And even if you take into account the villains of that movie, Bullseye makes it and Kingpin doesn't? Heresy.) And what the hell is The Clown (from Todd MacFarlane's Spawn) doing on this list? Balderdash, I say.
Oh, and don't even get my wife Gwendolyn started on why female characters had to be segregated to their own show and couldn't appear as either "Heroes" or "Villains." Hoo boy, did you *not* want to be in the room when that realization dawned.
That said, the writers did do pretty well with their top 5 villains. In reverse order, the Terminator, Lex Luthor, Green Goblin, the Joker, and the grand mack daddy of villainy, the Dark Lord of the Sith, still the king despite the embarrassment of being played by Hayden Christianson, Darth Vader. Not a bad crowd, honestly. (Well, of course they're bad, but...never mind, you understand what I'm saying.) I just can't help but think that they missed so many great exemplars of villainy, know what I mean?
Speaking of the Holy Trilogy, any gamer worth his salt will recognize the title of this column as part of one of the great quotes from Star Wars, uttered by the immortal Sir Alec Guinness. And even though none of the ugly mugs of Mos Eisley is likely to make anyone's list of top villains (you can bet that Walrus Man wasn't featured on Bravo's special), you just can't pass up a title like that.
But what does all this have to do with gaming? Interestingly, I find that gaming products have given us remarkably few memorable villains. Certainly, good campaigns frequently feature good villains, but it's not the adventure or sourcebook that makes 'em memorable, it's the DM and the players. Strahd von Zarovich is just a Dracula ripoff...until you've played through the original Ravenloft adventure with the lights turned down low and a winter storm blowing outside. Iuz, Lolth, Zuggtmoy, Eclavdra, Hedrack...sure, you might recognize the names, and even remember what evil they were responsible for, but I couldn't call any of them truly great. (Orcus *might* be an exception to this claim, thanks in large part to the various bits of fiction included in the epic adventure Dead Gods by Monte Cook.)
I had a few memorable badguys in my Bloodlines campaign, but what made them cool wasn't their backstory or their game statistics--it was the evil acts they perpetrated upon the world (and upon the PCs), and how the PCs in turn dealt with those acts that burned the names of Gulthias, the Cathezar, Seth (the evil one), Strabo, and Ashardalon into their memories.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, when you're trying to create a great villain for your game, don't obsess on what's happened before the PCs come onto the scene. Even if the badguy's entire life story is an open book, he's just another monster until you make the players really hate his guts. By all means use the great villains of fiction as starting points, but don't stop there--make the villains your own.
So without further ado, and in no particular order, here are some of my favorite villains that didn't make Bravo's list--not just from comics, but from all forms of fiction. (Of course, I'm counting on you to tell me about the ones I've forgotten on my message boards.)
Keyser Soze (The Usual Suspects): I'll lead off with the evil mastermind behind the plot of one of my favorite movies from the 1990s. I watch the exploits of this band of misfit crooks at least once a year, and it just never gets old. I must somewhat shamefacedly admit that I was one of those few who didn't see the twist coming until it was virtually on top of me, but I'm forever thankful for that. How great a villain do you have to be to make my list when you don't even actually appear in the movie--or do you? "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
Judge Smails (Caddyshack): Oh, sure, he's no Keyser Soze. But this petty, vindictive little man (played to perfection by Ted Knight) symbolizes one of the classic movie villain archetypes of the last 30 years: the snooty, upper-class twit who uses his power to lord it over all the little people. Every scene with the judge is a memorable one, which helps make this movie an all-time favorite of mine. "I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I...owed it to them."
The Alien (Alien, Aliens): I hesitated about including any "monsters" on this list. Typically, those sorts of antagonists don't have enough character for me to call them "villains"--sure, the big shark from Jaws is scary and horrible, but it's not really evil or plotting enough to qualify as a villain. The Alien, however, transcends such petty concerns. In the first movie, it certainly seems to have something resembling a personality, and while the sheer number of Aliens in the second film preclude any deep characterization, the Alien Queen steps in to fill that role. And for those who'd claim they're nothing but dumb beasts, I'd remind you that Private Hudson wondered the same thing: "How can they cut the power? They're animals, man!"
Feathers McGraw (The Wrong Trousers): Only identified from a wanted poster spotted by the keen-eyed Gromit, this wily penguin relies on a crafty disguise to conceal his criminal identity. At his most villainous point, this blackguard actually uses a sleeping Wallace (in mechanical trousers) to steal a priceless diamond! Thankfully, after one of the all-time great chase scenes in film history, the fowl character finds himself safely behind bars...at the zoo. "It's...you!" (Wallace, finally recognizing the villain)
Professor Moriarty: Every great hero must have his nemesis. Ideally, this character is able to match the hero's greatest strengths. In the case of Sherlock Holmes, that strength is his mind, and that nemesis is the vile genius Moriarty. Though he only actually appeared in two of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's original stories, he's since made his way into several film adaptations and also made a memorable appearance in Alan Moore's recent comic series The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Vol. 1). "My horror at his crimes was lost in my admiration of his skill." (Sherlock Holmes in "The Final Solution")
Lord John Whorfin/Dr. Emilio Lizardo (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension): John Lithgow's delightfully over-the-top performance as a scientist possessed by a Lectroid from the Eighth Dimension makes a wonderful foil for Peter Weller's laconic Buckaroo Banzai. The stakes in this conflict are high: the survival of the entire planet Earth hangs in the balance! Along the way, Lithgow manages to steal basically every scene he's in, whether as an inmate of the nuthatch or ruthless leader of evil alien minions inhabiting Yoyodyne Propulsion. Nearly every line is quotable, but here's my favorite: "Laugh while you can, monkey-boy."
Thulsa Doom (Conan the Barbarian): Though originally the skull-faced enemy of Kull (another of Robert E. Howard's characters), Thulsa Doom's best-known appearance was in the 1982 film starring REH's other prehistoric warrior. In that incarnation, James Earl Jones portrayed him as the smoothly persuasive (and wholly evil) leader of the serpent-cult of Set. In a classic example of a screenwriter wrapping up a hero's loose ends, Thulsa Doom is also the reason for Conan's very existence, as he's responsible for killing the barbarian-to-be's entire tribe before his eyes. Of course, after a few years on the Wheel of Pain, the bulked-up Ahnold is ready to put an end to Doom's long reign of evil...and he makes sure it's permanent. "Now they will know why they are afraid of the dark. Now they learn why they fear the night."
The Grinch (How the Grinch Stole Christmas): OK, he's not out to conquer the world, but anybody who sets out to steal Christmas has got to rank up there in villainy. And why, you might ask, did he have such a mad-on for Christmas? "...I think that the most likely reason of all/May have been that his heart was two sizes too small." But cardiac issues aside, just think of all those poor Whos down in Whoville waking up to find Christmas had disappeared! And strapping those heavy antlers on his poor dog Max? The cherry on top. "The three words that best describe you are as follows and I quote: 'Stink. Stank. Stunk!'"
The Cigarette-Smoking Man (The X-Files): In a never-ending mystery without answers, CSM (as the nameless character became known to fans) was the face of evil. (Yeah, sure, we had Alex Krycek to kick around for a while, but he was just a tool.) CSM had his nicotine-stained fingers in more plots than we could count, and claimed to be one of the major movers and shakers of the last half of the 20th century. Worst of all, Mulder and Scully knew they couldn't touch him, despite all their suspicions. After all, at least in the 1990s, the feds still had to have actual evidence in order to lock someone away. (Of course, if Jack Bauer had been around, CSM would probably have eaten a bullet or been hung up by his thumbs within 20 minutes of first showing up, but that wouldn't have been any fun, would it?) "Don't try and threaten me, Mulder. I've watched presidents die."
The Mayor (Buffy the Vampire Slayer): Most seasons of BtVS had an archvillain. It's fitting (and certainly not coincidental, I'd say) that the strongest season (the 3rd) also boasted the best villain. Here was a normal, even nerdy-looking guy who was actually a 100-year-old sorcerer plotting to turn into a horrific demon and consume the entire graduating class of Sunnydale High on his way toward Armageddon. But it takes more than just an evil plan to make this list--the Mayor also had a truly unique personality among villains. Basically, the guy was bright and cheery, even goofy, though his twisted sense of humor concealed an iron fist of discipline and tyranny. And once again, a villain in a position of authority is off-limits to the noble heroes, who spend much of the season with the sinking feeling that they can't do anything to stop his machinations. Skillful storytelling by Joss Whedon keeps this from becoming simply a big glum-fest (as some later seasons did), instead creating a compelling storyline. "There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that factually that's true."
The Borg (Star Trek: The Next Generation): Much like a monster, a monolithic group of badguys doesn't really qualify as a villain. There are simply too many personalities for a single identity to present itself. The Borg, however, are the exception to this rule. As a collective, there's no conflict of identities here: They're all one big person, with any single Borg standing in for the entire group. Back before they become tame and friendly (a process begun in TNG and brought to completion in Voyager), these guys were the scariest thing in all of outer space. Nothing could even slow them down, much less stop them. The Enterprise only escaped their first meeting thanks to the enigmatic Q, and the next time they showed up (in the classic two-parter "Best of Both Worlds") they even managed to add Picard to the collective. The appearance on the big monitor of Picard as Locutus ranks as one of the best moments of sci-fi TV. "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."
Saruman (The Lord of the Rings): Even though Sauron's the ultimate evil of J.R.R. Tolkien's masterpiece, Saruman is the only "face" that evil really bears in the books. His is an evil of corruption and betrayal, as he gives up his place at the head of the greatest order of good in Middle-Earth as part of a lustful (and foolish) grab for power. Talk about your reach exceeding your grasp! Christopher Lee was perfectly cast in the recent films, capturing the necessary combination of nobility and sinister...ness. (Sinestrosity?) I was quite pleased, upon watching the extended version of The Return of the King, to see him given the respect of a death scene (even if not accurate to the original source). "I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way...of pain."
Iago (Othello): Shakespeare's greatest villain. This conniving, snake-tongued wretch sets into motion a vile plot that destroys numerous innocent lives, all because he resents being passed over by Othello for promotion. And he wastes no time, planting the first seeds in Act I, Scene 1: "Awake the snorting citizens with the bell,/or else the devil [Othello] will make a grandsire of you." But he's not content merely turning Othello's would-be father-in-law against the Moor--soon he poisons the relationship between the loyal Cassio and his superior officer Othello. "Now, whether he kill Cassio/Or Cassio him, or each do kill the other,/Every way makes my gain." Eventually, of course, the villain convinces Othello that the Moor's own wife Desdemona has been unfaithful, leading to the innocent woman's brutal murder. And this while claiming to warn Othello: "Oh Beware, my lord, of jealousy!/It is the green-ey'd monster which doth mock/The meat it feeds on." When this guy decides he doesn't like you, you're in for a world of trouble!
C. Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons): For a comedy, this show has produced some great villains, including Sideshow Bob, Nelson Muntz, and the immortal Hank Scorpio ("You Only Move Twice"). But none can hold a candle to the evilest man in Springfield, Monty Burns. I mean, let's just look at a partial list of the things this guy's done in his career: runs for governor to change safety laws ("Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish"), hits Bart with his limo ("Bart Gets Hit By a Car"), inadequately thanks Bart for his blood donation ("Blood Feud"), recruits a bunch of ringers for the company softball team ("Homer at the Bat"), turns Santa's Little Helper into an attack dog ("Dog of Death"), uses Marge as bait to catch the giant ape King Homer ("Treehouse of Horror III"), tries to woo Marge away from Homer ("Marge Gets a Job"), tries to crush the power plant's union ("Last Exit from Springfield"), plots to take away Maggie's beloved toy bear ("Rosebud"), turns Bart into a vampire ("Treehouse of Horror IV"), builds a megacasino ("Springfield, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling"), turns Bart into his evil heir ("Burns' Heir"), almost marries Marge's mom ("Lady Bouvier's Lover"), backs Sideshow Bob's run for mayor ("Sideshow Bob Roberts"), creates a glaringly self-serving autobiographical film ("A Star is Burns"), attempts to turn a litter of puppies into a tuxedo ("Two Dozen and One Greyhounds"), steals the elementary school's oil deposit and then creates a machine that BLOCKS THE SUN ("Who Shot Mr. Burns?"). When you think about the sheer breadth and depth of this guy's evil, I believe that you'll agree that Montgomery Burns is the greatest villain who never actually lived.
"Ehhhhxcellent."