Monstrous Madness: Squishy Region
(1) Mind Flayer 53%
vs. Mind Flayer 79%
(8) Kobold 47%
vs. Mind Flayer 68%
(5) Doppelganger 70%
vs. Doppelganger 21%
(4) Roper 30%
MIND FLAYER
(3) Grell 22%
vs. Gelatinous Cube 43%
(6) Gelatinous Cube 78%
vs. Purple Worm 32%
(7) Purple Worm 72%
vs. Purple Worm 57%
(2) Aboleth 28%
Regional Notes: The Squishy Region has historically been a place where anything can (and does) happen. The competitors in this region don't fit in very well in polite society, but really, can you blame society for that? After all, brain-sucking monsters, formless spawn of the underdark, and mindless blobs of glup just don't do very well with small talk.
Regional Final Results and Commentary
April 1: Mind Flayer 68%, Purple Worm 32%
In this classic battle of "eat or be eaten" (thanks, Michele Carter) it was the illithid who feasted. Despite many impassioned pleas from the annelid fans out there, the purple worm just couldn't stand up to the awesome intellect and mental prowess of the mind flayer. It's a good thing that the mind flayer has a few days before his next matchup, for as Wolfgang Baur points out, "A purple worm's brain will feed a mind flayer family for 60 days." And on that note, the purple worm's improbable run to the regional final comes to an end.
Round Two Results and Commentary
March 30: Purple Worm 57%, Gelatinous Cube 43%
It's
a sad day in Monsterville: It turns out that there's really no more room for
Jell-O. All the flavored-gelatin-dessert-jokes in the world couldn't propel the
cubical ooze to victory this time (nor could another humorous illustration by
Stan!). Mike Selinker aptly noted that
while "you don't want to see a gelatinous cube coming round a corner, the purple
worm MAKES ITS OWN CORNERS." Wolfgang Baur got lyrical on us, describing the
winner as "a one-sting, one-mouth, tunneling purple gel-cube eater." (Repeat it
a couple times in a singsong voice and you'll get it, or just ask someone old to
explain it to you.) Chris Smith took a simple approach. "It's just so much fun
to say. Say it with me, "Purple" "Worm." That makes me happy." Chris, we want
some of whatever you're having.
March 29: Mind Flayer 79%, Doppelganger 21%
With
the memory of its first-round scare still strong, the mind flayer wasted no time
in dispatching the shapeshifting doppelganger. Though the doppelganger's
mind-reading and trickery served it well in its first-round victory over the
roper, this was just a classic example of being the second-best at the tactic of
choice. Many pointed to the flayer's Cthulhian style as its strong point, while
others posed rhetorical questions. Cormac Russell: "Which is more dangerous, the
foam rubber imitation or the real deal?" Peter Goeders: "Is the doppelganger
part of the Atkins diet? Who cares, just blast and eat."
Stan! hedged his bets,
but nevertheless supplied another appropriate illustration of the contest.
Round One Results and Commentary
March 25: Purple Worm 72%, Aboleth 28%
Uh-oh: Purple
Worm! What began as a close contest soon became a rout as yet another
favored seed fell in the Squishy Region. Though several voters, such as Michele
Carter, chose "intellect over mindless hunger," the nostalgia vote went strongly
to the purple worm. Others simply couldn't stand the aboleth's infatuation with
mucus: "Purple worm wins because I don't gag when describing one." (Craig
Mackey) Fans of tentacled mind-control will just have to assuage their sense of
loss by remembering that the illithid still remains alive in the bracket.
Thanks to Stan! for the artwork!
(For those wondering, the aboleth and yuan-ti each made their first appearance in David Cook's legendary I1: Dwellers of the Forbidden City. Sadly, neither the mongrelman nor the tasloi--also appearing for the first time in the same adventure--have managed to follow their comrades to fame and fortune.)
March 22: Doppelganger 70%, Roper 30%
What appeared on paper to be a close matchup proved nothing of the sort, as the doppelganger easily took out what Steven Schend described as "a stalagmite with a grumpy streak." Most voters expressed their great respect for the doppelganger's powers of deception. Colin Moulder-McComb described the doppelganger as "a foe you can find in caverns AND in taverns--or even lying in bed next to you." Thanks, Colin, but I think that's just a bit more than we needed to know about your unfortunate experiences. On the other hand, John T. Wright felt that the roper outclassed even the doppelganger on this issue: "Doppelgangers can make PCs so paranoid they don't trust any person; but only ropers can make them start suspecting the rock formations." Unsettling thought, that.
March 17: Gelatinous Cube 78%, Grell 22%
The gelatin fans came out in force on Wednesday, toppling the grell from its lofty 3-seed in a surprisingly one-sided contest. The grell, its reputation bolstered by many recent kills in Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil, simply couldn't compete against its polyhedral opponent. Its defeat leaves the mind flayer as the only remaining representative of the Eats and/or Resembles Brains Conference. As many dessert-minded voters quipped, there is, apparently, "always room for Jell-O." Other comments:
"The cube gets my vote, based on "which monster I'd most like to have in my apartment." Gimme a cube and BAM! no more garbage expenses. The grell, see, he'd just float around the room like a giant carnivorous lampshade. Who needs that?" (Greg Collins)
"Grell vs. Gel? No contest. The 'Cube is just so versatile: GameCube, Mac Cube, 'Cube in a 10' pit." (Wolfgang Baur)
"I seen my grandma defeat gelatinous cubes and she ain't got no teeth." (Hank Hoffmann)
March 15: Mind Flayer 53%, Kobold 47%
Despite battle cries of “Meepo, Meepo!” the lowly kobold’s upset failed to materialize, and the number-1-seeded mind flayer escaped with a close victory in this Squishy Region contest. Though John T. Wright claimed that “when the kobolds get aggressive baby, it's time to be SCARED,” the mind flayer held its ground even when trailing early in the day. Perhaps it’s true, as Christopher Marshall says, that kobolds are “great comedy relief,” but when it came time to closing the door on the mind flayer, these walking reptilian laugh-tracks couldn’t get it done. I guess when it comes right down to it, there’s just one thing to say: “Mmm, brains.” [Michele Carter]