Monstrous Madness 2004
Fire Over Eyes--Red Dragon Claims Championship
In the end, nothing could knock off the #1 icon of the game. With 64% of the vote, the red dragon cruised to a convincing victory over the dreaded beholder, allowing the D&D marketing team to breathe a sigh of relief (they didn't want to have to start selling "D&B" to their accounts...).
As
always, the defeated competitor had its share of vocal supporters. Greg Collins
made perhaps the most impassioned case for the eleven-eyed sphere of doom:
"Screw icons--they're overrated anyway. The red dragon got its rep from back in
the day, when all the reporters hung around with the monsters and never wrote
stories about their drinking or womanizing. Plus, adventurers usually have a few
clues when they're about to face a red dragon -- like, "what are we doing in
this volcano?" or "hmmmm, these piles of ash make for great insulation", so it's
rarely a surprise. Nothing -- and I mean nothing -- can match the pure dread
felt when you open that door and 11 eyes are staring back at you."
But even as the emotions of beholder fans ran high, cold logic prevailed in the minds of the dragon voters. Henry Widmaier describes how he applied the power of reason in casting his vote: "I, personally, believe that the red dragon, which is a dragon that is both red and a dragon, will kill the beholder because it is a dragon of redness, which means it is crimson in hue, in addition to being a dragon." Now who can argue with that?
Mike Selinker pointed out a crucial element that swayed his vote: "The beholder has telekinesis, which allows it to lift 325 pounds. The red dragon can have a Strength of 45, which allows it to lift FIFTY-SIX HUNDRED POUNDS. Thus, the beholder dies when the red dragon drops a four-story building on it." Gravity is indeed a harsh mistress.
This
contest brings to a close the 2004 Monstrous Madness Championship. With his
victory, the red dragon becomes the first entry in the Monstrous Madness Hall of
Fame, and thus will be ineligible for any future contests. Who knows? Maybe next
year the picture on the right will represent reality, rather than the fevered
imagination of an overworked artist.
We thank everyone who participated in this year's event, particularly those who took the time to add pithy comments to your emails. We also greatly appreciate all the great illustrations from artist/game designer Stan! We hope you enjoyed the tournament as well, and continue to visit AndyCollins.net for other fun and exciting game-related events.
Bye!
Final Four Semifinal Results
Beholder 79%, Displacer Beast 21%
It
was "dogpile on the cat" day as beholder fans came out in force to propel their
candidate to the Monstrous Madness finals. This matchup brought would-be
headline writers out of the woodwork:
"One Eye to Rule Them All" (Wolfgang Baur);
"The Eyes Have It, Motion Carries" (Scott Magner); and my personal favorite,
"Ocular Orb of Obliteration Overwhelms Outmatched Opponent" (Jeff Saccomano).
Other comments, though not quite as poetic, were nonetheless similarly accurate. Chris Smith noted that "Kitty made a good run, but it's over." Peter Goeders saw the bright side of the situation: "Looks like a new 'lifelike' statue for the garden." And Mr. Steven Bright, Auditor-General of one of the Prime Banks of Nigeria pointed out that "I have decided to contact you due to your position in your country, which I totally hope, will bring about the success of this business. We want to transfer to overseas account Twelve Million Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars..." Oh, wait, that's a personal email. Ignore that last bit. Ahem.
Red Dragon 69%, Mind Flayer 31%
Crispy-fried calamari was on the menu yesterday as the red
dragon torched the best that the Squishy Region had to offer. The food metaphors
were flying in both directions--Eric Cagle wondered if red dragon brains tasted
"like a spicy enchilada covered in blazing hot jalapeno salsa." Though the mind
flayer had its share of supporters (and the red dragon its detractors, such as
Wolfgang Baur, who compared the iconic monster to the team everyone loves to
hate, the New York Yankees), this just wasn't a close contest. Kevin Kukas held
out hope, insisting that "With a week to prepare, the mind flayer will
undoubtedly create a clever game plane that will allow it to pull off the upset"
though he also admitted that he "though Georgia Tech had a chance against UConn."
Pedro Cruz put the mind flayer's chances most simply: "This is your brain. This
is your brain on fire. Any questions?" Perhaps only one: Can anyone stand up to
this fire-breathing monstrousity?
Final Four Commentary
After long weeks of voting, you've narrowed the field to four monsters of mythic stature in the world of D&D. Let's take a moment to examine these four competitors.
The Flappy Region's champion is the red dragon. Really, what can we say about this icon of icons that hasn't already been said? Treasure fetish? Check. Scorching halitosis? Check. Tendency to flip over the table and go home when he's losing a game? Got it. And did we mention the grudge he'll hold if he doesn't win? After taking out the gargoyle, dracolich, and balor by impressive margins, the red dragon appears poised for a run at the championship.
The mind flayer, champion of the Squishy Region, didn't overwhelm its competition quite as completely as some had anticipated. In beating the kobold, doppelganger, and purple worm, the mind flayer didn't exactly mow through top-notch competition--it didn't even have to face any of the other favored seeds in the region! Is the crafty illithid merely lulling its opponents into a false sense of security, or is it more vulnerable than it lets on?
From the Fuzzy Region comes the #2-seeded displacer beast, which took out the giant space hamster, owlbear, and gnoll to reach the Final Four. As the only non-#1-seed to make the Final Four, the displacer beast must be seen as a dark horse to win it all, but we shouldn't count out this deceptively sly feline. After all, the beholder has to find it before it can blast it.
Last but certainly not least is the beholder, winner of the Scary Region. The eye tyrant showed remarkable resolve in holding off the Cinderella of the tournament, the slithering yuan-ti, in the regional championship match. Though its margin of victory has slipped with each successive match--a crushing defeat of the chuul was followed by a merely dominating win over the lich, and then a tighter-than-expected victory over the yuan-ti--it would be folly to assume that this eleven-eyed monstrosity isn't ready for the big games ahead.
Regional Championship Results
Scary Region: Beholder 64%, Yuan-Ti 36%
Fuzzy Region: Displacer Beast 57%, Gnoll 43%
Flappy Region: Red Dragon 78%, Balor 22%
Squishy Region: Mind Flayer 68%, Purple Worm 32%
It's that time of year again--March Madness is upon us. In the spirit of this classic competition, we are proud to present Monstrous Madness: a 32-monster single-elimination tournament to determine once and for all which D&D monster is the best.
Starting with the third round, each weekday will have one matchup for you to vote on. Just click on your chosen monster, and an email window will open with your choice indicated. You can also vote by sending email to monster@andycollins.net (put the name of the monster you're voting for in the subject line). Voting is open on each matchup until 11:59 p.m. Eastern. You're welcome to lobby others for their votes, but please--one vote per person per match.
Use any method you like to determine your vote, from the creature's D&D heritage to which one would win in a fight. We ask that you keep personal biases to a minimum--if your character's been squelched by one of these, try not to hold it against the monster. After all, it's not the monster's fault that your character was a chump. : )
If all goes well, the final matchup will be for the title of "Best D&D Monster Ever!" So check back every day to see the new matchup, and don't forget to tell your friends to vote, too!